Goodbye 2020

From a summer of bushfires and choking smoke to a rampant deadly virus and inevitable series of lock downs that followed, as a year, 2020 was unrelenting. Autumn left me in a river of grief after the loss of my dear mate, Chris. Every day since has been a difficult exercise; working hard to stay afloat. There is some hopefulness and I've read I just need to push on until I get to the next place. That feels OK in the moment. I have more time than I have ever had in my adult life. I've had an entire year off. Despite being drawn to our Blue Mountains or out to the coast, I find the most beautiful vistas still too painful on my own. For now, I have to be content with wrapping myself up in the indelible memories of you.

It's a new year now, I feel oddly vacant. I would love to just have several months on my own; no calls, no texts, no visitors. Just to be still and listen. Nothing but the cacophony of sadness in my head and the ache in my heart. I firmly believe that we made a huge mistake in choosing not to continue treatment. The fatigue that goes hand in hand with a chronic illness brought you to a point where you were drained of energy. If I had said lets go for it, lets try, you would have. I try to work through that feeling of failure on my part; failure to be there for you. When others weigh in and assure me that everything was as you had planned, I feel relieved, then full of doubt and wonder, was it really? Selfishly, it feels as ill-conceived with little thought of the consequences [for me]. Selfish. What was the rush? I wasn't ready. I guess that's selfish thinking coming through.

I don't want to be the lead in this heart breaking love story that ends so tragically [for me]. I can only wonder what you feel because I can never ever speak to you again. For ten years we analysed everything and I gained so much from our discussions - from your support. Now where do I go, who do I talk to? What is my purpose? When will I feel joy again? And where are you now? These are questions that can never be answered.